Doctor's Orders

He Said Publications has teamed up with nationally recognized relationship expert and psychologist Tim Bender. Every week Tim will answer subscriber questions and offer not just advice, but also provide a host of great tools and tactics to help us better understand all of our interpersonal relationships.  Want to hear more from Tim? Tune in every Thursday morning to Good Day Colorado on Denver Fox News to get more advice and learn his new Ambush Therapy program. A must watch! Submit a question: timbdenver@aol.com   For more information, contact Tim at 303.898.5593.

July 7, 2008

HSD READER: My boyfriend just bought a company. I'm excited for him - he loves business and he's good at it. Sometimes I feel like I'm less important than his most recent business venture. When I go to him and tell him my concerns he assures me that I do come first. Nothing changes it seems. You tell people to communicate and we are but it's not helping. What are we doing wrong?

TB: You're communicating and that's great - now do it in the right way. Identify exactly what he is saying and doing that triggers you. Where does that trigger come from in your past? Who does it remind you of and what negative memories does it bring up? Share these with your partner and tell him the specific words you need to hear so you don't get triggered. This is better done with a professional to guide you through the process. Believe me - it's worth it!

June 30, 2008

HSD READER: I am moving into the role of step parent. My issue is the child's mother. She can be a royal pain in the ass. I can't really do anything because I don't have the authority and I don't seem to get any recognition for anything I do.

TB: Not an uncommon complaint for the step parent. Boundaries are key. The three of you have to communicate about how things are going to work. Use a mediator if needed. The most important thing is the child! Keep the adult issues with the adults - the kid doesn't deserve to and didn't ask to be involved.

June 23, 2008

HSD READER: I think my boyfriend is still in love with his ex.

TB: Have you asked him? Have you told him what he is doing and/or saying that is causing you to think this way? You could be interpreting his signals differently than your boyfriend intends. Until you communicate about it nothing can improve.

June 16, 2008

]HSD READER: My ex is stalking me. He has been calling and I have seen his car in the neighborhood. He hasn't come over but has asked in text messages if he can. I reply no. I'm a little concerned.

TB: Instead of replying no tell him if he calls you again you will contact the police. You can contact the police now if you are really concerned about your safety.

June 9, 2008

HSD READER: My boyfriend and I have decided to move in together. He wants us to move into his house. My issue is that the house he lives in is the one he and his ex bought together. I don't know if I can feel comfortable living there.

TB: You can if you want to. Figure out what you need to do so the old energy is gone and the new energy is there. Burn some sage, Change or get rid of old furniture. Most importantly do this with your boyfriend. Make it a ritual to celebrate your new life together.

June 2, 2008

HSD READER: My boyfriend won't tell me he loves me. We have been together for over a year and things are going great. I tell him I love him and he just says thanks.

TB: Ask him his reasons - they probably don't have anything to do with you. Most likely it is triggering what is called an emotional allergy from a past relationship. When he is triggered he then goes back to the place and the person who started the allergy. You are paying the price for it in your relationship now and will continue to do so until he learns how not to trigger the allergy.

May 26, 2008

HSD READER: I have been invited to a family wedding in California over the 4th of July. I invited my boyfriend to come with me, my treat. He stalled until I told him I needed to buy the tickets. He said for me to get mine and if he decided to come he would get his own. He still hasn't. What do I do?

TB: How about you go to the wedding and have a great time. It sounds like he would be a buzz kill anyway. Be sure to let him know what you feel about his actions and choices.

May 19, 2008

HSD READER:
Hi Tim, Got a problem that I think your advice might help. I have been dating this guy for a couple of months now and have fallen head over heels for him. We have spent every day together since we met and he has basically moved in with me. The apartment where I live does not allow pets and the boyfriend lives 30 miles outside of town. The problem is that he just adopted a puppy the other day without consulting me. I feel as if this will dramatically alter the relationship and I am hurt by his lack of consideration of the current situation. I may be a bit selfish in that I feel as if this new puppy will be taking away my new boyfriend because we won't be spending nearly as much time together. How do I ask him to choose between the dog and myself?

Signed,
Bested By a Bitch

TB: You're limiting your options when you say he has to choose. It sounds like you haven't talked to him. Until you do all of the energy you are using is wasted. Get the information from him and then decide what to do.

May 12, 2008

HSD READER: My boyfriend and I had his ex over last night for dinner. Things went well but I was constantly making assumptions about the two of them. It's tearing me up inside although I am convinced nothing happened.

TB:I'm sure I've written this somewhere before - assume broken down spells... ass (of) u (and) me. Check out your assumptions and quit wasting energy obsessing.

May 5, 2008

HSD READER: My friend and I may have had sex the other night. We were drunk. Things between us have been weird ever since. What do I need to do?

TB: Have you talked about it? Share with each other how you are feeling about what happened (or didn't). After that talk figure out what to do next about your relationship. Don't limit yourself with options either - there are plenty.

April 28, 2008

HSD READER: I dated this guy for about a year, and it has been a year and a half since we broke up. For some odd reason, I am still hung up on him. The sad part is that he is not even nice to me, he is nothing special, and he could really care less about my feelings... SO I really need your help to tell my WHY I still feel like I'm in love with him. I always think that after I hang out with him I'll be better and never want to see him again, but it only lasts a few days because the moment he texts me or talks to me and says something remotely kind I forget everything mean he has ever done and I want to go see him. I know he will never change and that he will probably be a huge player for a long time to come still, so I really am wasting my time on him. I just wondered if you could help me figure out a way to convince myself that I am better than him, and that I don't need his dumb ass in my life because he is a "life sucker" (as my brother calls him). Please help me! No one has been able to cure me of this horrible disease of being compulsively attracted to this dumbass midget of a man!

Thanks, hopefully you can help me!

TB: Only you can help yourself here. Go back and read the question you sent. You already have the answer. Trust yourself and be strong - you'll be amazed at what you can do.

April 28, 2008

HSD READER: I just don't know what to do about my continual relationship problems. It seems as though I can never be content with a potential relationship partner. I convince myself that I am in love with someone and then as soon as they show any sort of interest in me, I am no longer happy at the thought of being in a relationship with them. The only people that I can see myself with are people that I know would never actually be truly committed to me. What's wrong with me? Am I just scared of committment? Or am I just relationship challenged? Please help me, for I fear a long, lonely life is ahead of me.

TB: Get some help. Seriously. You're scared to look at yourself. You won't be able to move on until you resolve your issues. From the sounds of things - the sooner the better.

April 7, 2008

HSD READER: So I'm in this new relationship and it's amazing. We're with each other whenever we're not working. Is there any way to keep this feeling forever?

TB: No there isn't. It doesn't mean that you can't still have a healthy relationship though. You're in the infatuation stage otherwise defined as temporary insanity. My advice is that you share your fears as well as your dreams with each other. Talk about danger signs and how you can help each other out when they happen - which they will.

April 14, 2008

HSD READER: I thought I had met "him". He was everything I thought I ever wanted and I told him so. He said the same thing about me. That was about 7 months ago. Now he wants me and I'm over him. Nothing has really changed but I feel different and want out. This has happened before and I'm not sure why it keeps happening.

TB: It sounds to me like you get triggered after you get to a certain point in any relationship. My advice is that you get some help to figure out why this is happening. If you don't the pattern will most likely continue and a long term will be difficult if not impossible.

March 31, 2008
HSD READER:  I'm feeling old.  I just turned 40 and I don't have a "steady" relationship. 

TB:  Is not having a "steady" relationship why you're feeling old?  40 is a long way from a nursing home.  From what I'm hearing, your feeling old has more far reaching implications than whether or not you are involved in a relationship.  What are you doing for yourself on a physical and emotional level?  Think about it...and don't measure your youth in terms of someone else.  This is about you!

March 24, 2008
HSD READER:  I'm lonely.  What do you think of on-line dating services? 

TB:  You don't tell me whether you have pursued other avenues to address your loneliness.  While I don't think that a general indictment can be leveled against the dating services you're mentioning...I think there are many other ways to connect with people.  Don't rule it out; but broaden your horizons to include other ways to meet people.

March 17, 2008
HSD READER:  Do you recommend sharing financial information with your partner?

TB:  It depends on the seriousness of the relationship.  If you're thinking of living together; of course.  If your relationship is much more casual than that; the discussion of finances can wait.

March 10, 2008
HSD READER:The guy I've been seeing is too macho for me.  He puts me down and treats me like a second class person.  But, I love his sexual energy.  Can people live with this arrangement?

TB:  Can you live with this arrangement?  Sex is great...there's a lot to be said for it.  But, nothing, including great sexual energy is worth being treated in a condescending fashion.  You'll pay for this one in the long run, if you decide to stay with him.  Get out and get a life.

February 25, 2008
HSD READER:  I just ended a 1 year relationship.  How do I move on?

TB:  If you were the one who ended the relationship, you obviously had your reasons.  Interestingly, you don't name them here.  Figure this out partner; you made the big move to end the relationship.  If necessary, sit down and make a list of the pros and cons.  Say good bye and realize that it apparently is time for you to explore other horizons.

February 18, 2008
HSD READER:  My partner and I had a long term relationship and adopted a child.  We're on the rocks and the question of custody has come up.  Our child has been living with each of us in our separate homes.  I think that my partner lets our son do unsafe things like riding a 4 wheeler without a helmet.  What do I do?

TB:  You don't mention how old your son is; but if he is riding a 4 wheeler he needs to be at least 16 years of age.  Get real here.  Issues of safety are fundamental with parenting.  First, let your partner know that the basic rules of safety are essential.  Second, let your partner know that you will not hesitate to bring in the issue of what is and is not legal as it pertains to your son.  You owe it to your child to enforce, however necessary, the basic principles of safety and care taking.  Do it NOW...before it's too late.

February 11, 2008
HSD READER:  How important are physical looks?  My boyfriend has let himself go with his weight and cleanliness.  All of this is getting to me. 

TB:  It doesn't sound like your friend is feeling very good about himself.  Your question of how important physical looks are seems not to be the real question.  The real question is whether or not you want to be involved with someone who is on a slippery slope with how he feels about himself.  If he can't/won't take care of himself even on a physical level, do you think he is capable of being present in an emotional relationship?

February 4, 2008

HeSaid Reader: My boyfriends sister rearranged our linen closet while visiting. She did it the way that her mother used to. Then she proceeded to tell me that she almost rearranged our walk in closet as if I was supposed to be pleased. I feel that she is overstepping boundaries and a control freak who is jealous of my relationship with her brother. What do you think?

Bender: I think your organizational skills could be improved/ just kidding. If it feels to you like the boundaries are blurred, they most likely are. It's your territory (shared with your partner). How can you be in control of your life if you can't even figure out your closet arrangement?

January 28, 2008

HeSaid Reader: Why after a one night stand do I fall for a guy?
Bender: Sounds like it doesn't have much to do with the guy. It would seem that you are looking for love in all the wrong places. Sound catchy? 

January 21, 2008

HeSaid Reader: I seem to attract older men. I'm not even 30 and many 50+ men come on to me. How do I politely decline their advances?
Bender: What's wrong with "no thanks, I'm not interested" as a starter?

January 14, 2008

HeSaid Reader: My boyfriend and I like to have sex at different times during the day. I'm a morning person and he's an evening person. How do we compromise?
Bender: Come on...get real. Let's go back to first grade with this. First, he gets his choice; then you get yours...get it?

January 7, 2008

HeSaid Reader: My friend told me that he wants to become a Eunuch. I don't really know how to bring up the topic again... Can you help me ask him some questions? How does someone come to this point in their life?
Bender: So, this is a joke, right? Anyone who wants to be castrated has more problems than a casual friend can deal with. He needs serious help. Who knows how he came to this point, or if he is actually serious. Give him the name of 3 therapists and stand by for the next chapter.

December 31, 2007

HeSaid Reader: My dad didn't buy my partner a present for Christmas. My sister in-law got one. It's like he doesn't recognize my relationship. It makes me angry and sad. I'm not sure what to do.

Bender: You don't mention what kind of relationship you have with your dad. If it's a decent one, TELL HIM directly how his oversight affected you. If the relationship isn't really there with your dad, work on accepting the fact that he is insensitive to you and those with whom you have close relationships.

December 24, 2007

HeSaid Reader: How do I manage my overspending problem?

Bender: Get credit counseling or grow a backbone and realize that if you make $1.00 you can't spend $1.01.

December 17, 2007

HeSaid Reader: I'm worried that my partner is going to get drunk and make a fool of himself in front of my friends at my office holiday party and every time I bring it up with him he just laughs and says it's no big deal. It's a big deal to me and I don't know how to get him to listen.

Bender: Hmmm...let's see here...
1. Apparently, you already have seen your partner get drunk and 
make a fool of himself.
2. When you try to talk to your partner about his bad behavior, 
he laughs at you.
3. You know it's a big deal for you and you see it as your job to
"make" your partner listen.
So, who do you think is in more trouble? You, choosing to be with a person who gets drunk at parties and embarrasses you; or your partner who appears to have a drinking/listening problem? Come on, get rid of the clown and find company with responsible, sensitive adults!

December 10, 2007

HeSaid Reader: I'm taking my partner out east to meet the family. I'm excited and a little bit nervous. Is there anything I can do to make the experience better for me and everyone else?

Bender: That's a pretty big question that covers a lot of territory. First, enjoy the excitement! Second, are there any surprises that anyone (including your partner) need to know about such as, your partner is allergic to the smell of cologne...? Just kidding; but unless there is something "way out there" that your partner or your family needs advance warning about, let this one play out and as they say "let the chips fall where they may."

December 3, 2007

HeSaid Reader: My boyfriend is seeing another man. We were supposed to have an exclusive relationship but he told me that he can't be exclusive. I don't want to break up but I don't want him seeing anyone else. What are my options?

Bender: There is no option here. You've already answered your own question. Get on with your life...without your "non-exclusive" boyfriend.

November 29, 2007

HeSaid Reader: My partner travels for work every week. What can we do to keep our relationship healthy while he is on the road?

Bender: Let's see...have you ever heard of "phone sex?" It's great! Try it, you'll like it. In addition to that; appreciate the fact that absence makes the heart grow fonder and you've got a winner!

November 16, 2007

HeSaid Reader: My boyfriend has a friend who drives me crazy. He was at Thanksgiving and everyone there thought he was creepy. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend. 

Bender: Just what do you mean by creepy? If you didn't like the guy and don't want to have him show up again/ especially at a gala, holiday party, tell your boyfriend. Whatever happened to honesty being the best policy? I promise it works.

November 12, 2007

HeSaid Reader: I was sexually abused as a teen. I'm currently in a relationship and have been for over a year with a man I really do love. I haven't told him about my past and feel as though I may need to. Do I have to and if so how do I do it?

TB: You don't have to do anything. However, it sounds like you are questioning yourself enough that it may be time to get into therapy to explore your past. Sexual abuse is a tough one. If the question is even occurring to you; get the help from a professional about how safe you feel in your current relationship and if/when it is time to discuss any or all of this with the guy you love. Good luck with this one...it can be done.

November 5, 2007

HeSaid Reader: The holidays are coming and my partner hasn't come out to his family (they live out east). He wants me to come with him but not as his boyfriend. I'm not comfortable with this but he won't budge. What can I do?

TB: What can you do? Let's start with you being true to yourself. Come on, what's the mystery here? You've already answered your own question and I think you know it. Sounds like your friend is light years behind you with his comfort level as it pertains to his own sexuality. How much "Peace On Earth" will there be if you go along with his charade? 

October 29, 2007

HeSaid Reader: I am living in a small town where there is nothing here but closet cases and straight guys. Somehow I seem to end up fooling around with the closet cases, then getting hurt and falling for the straight ones. In fact, I fell hard for someone and I told him, we remain good friends. However, I am also living with some friends and trying to get my financial situation in tact. I am sick of being alone but I know I need time to myself. I am filled with emotions that are SPEEDING through my head and I don't know where to go from here. Help!

TB: Maybe you need to SPEED right out of town and get yourself into a more supportive environment as far as a place to live. Your choices (between straight guys and those in the closet) don't sound great. Sometimes, even with financial constraints, we have to make tough choices to find a place where we can be surrounded by more support, and available people. What's more important...taking the risk financially or taking the leap to a community where you can have peace of mind? MOVE...and I don't mean just with your mind!

October 22, 2007

HeSaid Reader: I've been invited to a Halloween party, which is also being called a Halloween bash. It freaks me out, like even the term bash does. I really don't want to go but the guy I've been seeing does. What do you think?

TB: Let's get real here. First of all you say you're freaked out and don't want to go; so don't! Let the guy who wants to attend know that you have a mind of your own. Really, why would anyone even think of going to something when in their own mind "freaky" and "bash" create fear? Show up for yourself and speak your mind. It will probably result in less fear and more self confidence. Do it, you'll like it. 

October 15, 2007

HeSaid Reader: I recently left a long term relationship. A group of our mutual friends asked both of us, even though they know that we aren't together anymore, if me if I wanted to join them on a week long vacation. They're also inviting my ex. I like the destination and the people. What should I do? 

TB: Wow...great destination, good friends and a week long vacation! Sounds like a great time. You don't mention what terms you and your ex are on. If it's anything but smooth...I don't care how great the future fun may sound; stay away. But, if the accommodations (separate rooms, and lots of space) are right, along with truly being over your past relationship, you might consider it. And, who knows, your "ex" may decide not to go. Bon voyage! 

October 8, 2007

HeSaid Reader:  I want to marry my partner and he's not ready.  He says he comes from a broken home and doesn't want to make another one with our home.  What can I do?

Bender:  Get help!  This is a great example of how past hurts and trauma can get in the way of a current relationship.  The issue has nothing to do with you.  Find a therapist who can work with these issues and get through this.  You'll have to if you want your relationship to thrive!

October 1, 2007

HSD READER:  My partner and I live and work together.  It can get incredibly tense between the two of us spending so much time together.  Any helpful techniques we can use to make the situation easier?

Bender:  Two things - space and communication.  Take space from each other on a regular basis and have time to yourselves.  No one can be together 24/7.  Communicate on a regular basis too.  Talk about what is and what isn't working in the relationship.  You both need to know what is going on with yourselves and each other to keep the relationship healthy.

September 23, 2007

HeSaid Reader:  I received the following letter from my ex-boyfriend.  I don't know what to do so I'm forwarding the letter so you and the readers can read it.  Please let me know what you think.
I think I need your help.  I've been dating this guy since Jan., he's an absolute sweetheart, you'd like him, he's a little tinker bell, I think he's funny, he thinks I'm funny, I could marry this one, BUT, lately (like since school began, he's a Jr. environ studies) we've been getting into fights alot and inevitably I've been condescending, or talking down to him and somehow I'm oblivious to this, even in retrospect.  And I usually want to say (even though I don't) "you need to get thicker skin" or something.  You used to tell me alot that I did the same thing.  I really like this guy, I don't want this to end, I want him to be happy.  I don't recall that most guys say that I do this, really only you and him.  All I can really make of it is that I guess maybe if I'm really in love w/ someone and I really want to communicate my feelings to them about something, that I come off as condescending.  Which sucks, cause you you would think that if you truly loved someone you would be able to explain yourself in a loving/supportive way, which I guess I can't do which is why I need your advice pretty soon because I'm getting worn down and so is she.  Thank you!

Bender:  This guy is a narcissist, he's histrionic and that's just the clinical explanation.  He's nuts.  Get as far away as fast as you can.  There's nothing you can do except urge him to seek help for himself on your way 'out the door'.

September 10, 2007

HeSaid Reader:  I keep sabotaging relationships.  As soon as I have sex with someone I emotionally distance myself from them.  I'll pick apart every behavior until I find a reason to end it.  What am I doing wrong?

Bender:  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.  Change is scary.  I see people who are so scared of change that they will repeat the same behavior because they at least know what the outcome will be.  Change is hard.  Change is necessary

September 3, 2007

HeSaid Reader:  I'm married over 15 years with a young teenager.  I'm gay.  I don't want to leave because I don't want to be lonely. 

Bender:  Remember this:  Lonely and alone are two different things.  You're not doing anyone any favors by staying - including yourself.  This will be an incredibly hard task though and will require courage and support.  It will also take the desire and willpower to step out of your comfort zone during a time when you are already vulnerable.  Get some professional help and enlist friends and family that will support you.

August 27, 2007

HeSaid Reader:  My partner and I have been in a relationship for 9 years.  He has a son who is 16.  His son and I don't get along well at all and I think he wants to break us up.  I don't want to break up but don't know what can be done.  A little help please?

Bender:  You're not giving me much to go on here.  The parts that are missing include; does the 16 year old let you know why he doesn't like you?  Or, have you and your partner talked about your fear that his son is trying to break you up?  Nothing beats clear, direct communication.  Certainly, at the age of 16 this teenager can be asked in a fair, direct manner what exactly isn't working for him with you.  You would be setting a great example for him and engaging in an exercise for all of you with honesty and openess.  It sounds like the exercise is needed with your partner and you as well.  And as always...good luck!

August 20, 2007

HeSaid Reader:  I have an ex-wife.  We had 2 kids together who are just now returning to school.  I have the kids more time than she does during the summer.  Now that school is back in session, I see her at my kids school for back to school night and stuff like that.  I can't stand even looking at her.  I end up having her ruin my day and thinking about how much I can't stand her.  How do I stop her from being such a negative influence on me?

Bender:  Are you kidding?  Quit handing over control to your mood to your "ex."  To let her get under your skin this much suggests that you have unfinished business.  Focus on your kids and the great stuff that you get from them.  Either get over your angst on your own or sign up for professional help.  Frankly, my friend, she has you by the short hairs and she's not even doing anything but showing up.

August 6, 2007

HeSaid Reader: My partner and I have been "taking a break" for about six weeks now. My last words to him were that I wanted to talk about what was going on. His were that he was too "raw". I haven't heard from him since. 

Bender: What's your question? It appears that he wants nothing to do with having a relationship with you. Why would you want to have a relationship with someone like that? Move on.

August 3, 2007 

HeSaid Reader: Some friends of mine a adopting a baby from China. They just found out that the baby they have been matched with is cross eyed. Now they are saying they don't want her. I'm appalled and want them to realize how shallow they're being. What is the best way to do this?

Bender: You're not adopting a child - your friends are.

July 30, 2007

HeSaid Reader: Help! My sex life is so wild, I broke a rib! I'm great in the sack, but this is painful. What's next?

Bender: Get real...and get serious. Breaking ribs or other body parts in the name of sex is just plain out of the question (I despise the word stupid). Great in the sack is one thing. Suffering physical debilitation as a result of sex is so not cool. Get a lover who's more considerate and while you're at it, get a life for yourself.